I successfully made it to the grocery store this morning, with Ken along for help and company, after yesterday's lost day. Plan B ended up being him bringing home a few things we needed for dinner during his lunch hour yesterday and doing the big shopping trip today. This time, I remembered to take my beta blockers the minute I woke up, and my day went as planned - I was able to stick to Plan A today!
Today's quote is another from Toni Bernhard's wonderful book, How To Be Sick, which I reviewed at my book blog last year. I wanted to bring your attention to Toni's book today, in conjunction with her ME/CFS story being posted at the wonderful new website, Invisible Awareness, yesterday. I have dozens of pages dog-eared in my copy of How To Be Sick, so it was hard to choose a single quote, but I could really relate to this one:
...But even in the confines of the house, it takes tremendous discipline to avoid overexertion. I'm still working to overcome a lifetime of conditioning that led me to believe that making sure my house looked its best was essential to the quality of life of the family. Suddenly and unexpectedly, tasks such as keeping windows washed, surfaces dusted, walkways cleared of leaves, became actions that in increased suffering. Everyday, I have to muster the willpower to stop myself from doing something that now comes under the category of unwise action, and I don't always succeed. To help me, I keep a haiku of Issa's posted nearby. It's about nonharming, but I think it also serves as a reminder to let go.
Don't worry, spiders,
I keep house
- Toni Bernhard, How To Be Sick
Isn't it ironic that we have to work so hard to rest? I feel just like Toni does. In fact, this is exactly what I was fighting with myself over yesterday: I knew grocery shopping was too much given the way I was feeling, but I have to fight a lifetime of conditioning over things that have to be done. It has taken me 8 years (I didn't understand PEM the first year) to get to a point where I can recognize the necessity of always having a Plan B. It's hardest when we feel just fine but know that a certain activity will cause a crash later. Who knew that being sick was such hard work?