I'm suffering through a forced time-out today, just feeling yucky and run-down. I keep thinking of it as a lost day, but I'm trying to stay positive (and not quite achieving it). There is a list of important things to do today on my kitchen counter, with nothing crossed off, while I lie here in the recliner. It's one of those days where my first thought upon waking was how much I was looking forward to crawling back into bed later. There's nothing more pathetic than spending a day waiting to go back to bed (except maybe for wallowing in self-pity, but I'm not letting go now that I have a good rant going).
I've been feeling impatient the past few days. I've learned that the best way to live with CFIDS is to do everything in little steps. 5 minutes of exercising. 20 minutes of weeding. One small writing assignment. But doing things in these tiny incremements sometimes seems useless. How will I ever improve my physical conditioning doing 10 push-ups today and 20 sit-ups tomorrow? Our large yard is like an overgrown jungle right now; by the time I finish weeding one tiny area, the weeds have already begun to grow again where I started.
Sometimes I get frustrated with this slow pace. I want to jump in and do something fully for a change. This slow pace is completely at odds with my natural tendencies - to go full speed and give myself fully to everything I undertake. I suppose it's been good for me to ease up a bit on my perfectionist side, but this week I just feel like a gerbil running in a wheel and getting nowhere. Except, of course, that I can't run, so I'm more like a gerbil walking in a wheel at a moderate pace and taking frequent rest breaks. See? Even my analogies feel bogged down.
Ah, well, nothing like a good rant. I'm going to try to shake off some of this self-pity now. Hey, there is one thing I can do all-out. Time for some aggressive rest.
I have had Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) since March 2002. Both of my sons also got ME/CFS at ages 6 and 10. Our younger son fully recovered after 10 years of mild illness. Our older son still has ME/CFS and also has Lyme disease plus two other tick infections. This blog is about how our family lives with chronic illness, with a focus on improving our conditions and enjoying our lives in spite of these challenges.
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to everword of your post. Yet another relapse when we are called upon to dig deep into reserves of emotional strength. We know this is a relapsing illness, yet I often find myself somewhat incredulous, thinking, 'but I was better than this last week!' Be kind to your inner gerbil :-)
-C
Amen sistah! I know EXACTLY how this feels, and your rant was welcome. It feels pathetic to get up and think only about going back to bed. I hate doing things in little pieces, because I never feel like I can get ahead. I hate having a to do list that I'm too weak to even look at. And I hate remembering more things to put on the list, when I haven't even crossed the first thing off.
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