Rough Times

I had a really rough weekend. Friday afternoon, my doctor left me a message that I needed to stop taking Valcyte immediately. My labwork results had shown very low white blood cell counts. It's probably due to the bronchitis, but Valcyte is known to affect bone marrow. I was upset about stopping the anti-viral, but I could tell my doctor was seriously concerned, so, of course, I listened to her.

Over the weekend, my bronchitis got much, much worse, despite the anitbiotic. Saturday passed by in a fog. I had severe, deep aches all over my body. My chest and sinuses were solidly congested,and I was coughing so hard that my ribs ached by Sunday. I mostly just stayed in bed with the heating pad. It was one of those days when I was too sick to even read or watch tv.

Sunday was a bit better, but I still feel pretty rotten today. I got up, had breakfast, read for a half hour, then went back to bed for a two-hour nap. I shouldn't even be sitting up to type this, but I was feeling desperate for some kind of connection with the outside world.

Worse than the physical problems today, I'm feeling so depressed. I'm so sick of the burdens of CFIDS, of living every minute of every day in this constant battle with my own body. I've had enough of all these limits and restrictions. I want to live freely again.

Rationally, I know that I'll feel better about my life when I start to feel better physically, that the bronchitis will eventually clear up and I'll be able to get back to my usual optimism. Emotionally, though, it just all seems so useless right now. I just want to give up, quit fighting, and somehow escape. That's impossible, of course. That's the most frustrating aspect of living with CFIDS. There is no escape, no vacation from it, just an occasional good day (if you're lucky).

Back to bed.