Banging My Head Against the Wall

Outside my home office, there's a mama cardinal smashing herself against the window from dawn until dusk every day, probably defending a nest in the bushes. We worry about this poor bird and are driven crazy by the constant banging. We've tried everything - lights on, lights off, blinds up, blinds down, even a big bird silhouette taped to the window. She did the same thing last fall, relentlessly protecting her family day after day, with no thought for her own comfort (she must have one hell of a headache each night).

I have felt just like that mama bird these past couple of days, beating myself senseless and making no progress.

Poor little Craig is still severely crashed - he's missed five days of school this time (so far). I feel helpless seeing him so sick, and I'm exhausted from trying to help him catch up on missed work and also trying to help Jamie make up what he missed last week.

I spent all morning yesterday trying to get reimbursement from our insurance company for a $200 lab bill that they say they won't cover. Then I got a phone call from the VW dealer that my 14-year old car needs $2000 worth of repair work.

And then there's CFIDS itself. In trying to defend my lab test to the insurance company, I pored over all kinds of CFIDS research to collect documentation to support my claim. There are so many theories out there, but nothing seems to really work. I read all the research, have endless meetings with my doctor, and try everything. Some things help a little, but nothing ever helps a lot. Sometimes all my work to find effective treatments seems to amount to no more than banging my beak...er, head against the window.

I'm trying hard to recall how I felt this weekend and to stay positive, but some days it's an uphill battle.