Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Time-Out

I'm suffering through a forced time-out today, just feeling yucky and run-down. I keep thinking of it as a lost day, but I'm trying to stay positive (and not quite achieving it). There is a list of important things to do today on my kitchen counter, with nothing crossed off, while I lie here in the recliner. It's one of those days where my first thought upon waking was how much I was looking forward to crawling back into bed later. There's nothing more pathetic than spending a day waiting to go back to bed (except maybe for wallowing in self-pity, but I'm not letting go now that I have a good rant going).

I've been feeling impatient the past few days. I've learned that the best way to live with CFIDS is to do everything in little steps. 5 minutes of exercising. 20 minutes of weeding. One small writing assignment. But doing things in these tiny incremements sometimes seems useless. How will I ever improve my physical conditioning doing 10 push-ups today and 20 sit-ups tomorrow? Our large yard is like an overgrown jungle right now; by the time I finish weeding one tiny area, the weeds have already begun to grow again where I started.

Sometimes I get frustrated with this slow pace. I want to jump in and do something fully for a change. This slow pace is completely at odds with my natural tendencies - to go full speed and give myself fully to everything I undertake. I suppose it's been good for me to ease up a bit on my perfectionist side, but this week I just feel like a gerbil running in a wheel and getting nowhere. Except, of course, that I can't run, so I'm more like a gerbil walking in a wheel at a moderate pace and taking frequent rest breaks. See? Even my analogies feel bogged down.

Ah, well, nothing like a good rant. I'm going to try to shake off some of this self-pity now. Hey, there is one thing I can do all-out. Time for some aggressive rest.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Sue,

    I can relate to everword of your post. Yet another relapse when we are called upon to dig deep into reserves of emotional strength. We know this is a relapsing illness, yet I often find myself somewhat incredulous, thinking, 'but I was better than this last week!' Be kind to your inner gerbil :-)

    -C

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  2. Amen sistah! I know EXACTLY how this feels, and your rant was welcome. It feels pathetic to get up and think only about going back to bed. I hate doing things in little pieces, because I never feel like I can get ahead. I hate having a to do list that I'm too weak to even look at. And I hate remembering more things to put on the list, when I haven't even crossed the first thing off.

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