This happens to me once in a while - fairly rarely, thank goodness. As I explained in an old blog post, A Life of Contentment with Pockets of Despair, 9 years ago (!), I am generally a very happy, upbeat person. It's not an act or an attempt to "think positive" - I really do feel happy most of the time and am generally very content with my life. I work hard, I love my family and friends, and I do my best to enjoy life, in spite of this nasty illness.
But sometimes, like this weekend and the bout of depression I wrote about in that old post, despair just hits me like a wave and knocks me down. I wonder how much of it is emotional and how much is physiological. I've noticed before that depression sometimes precedes a bad crash (hasn't happened in a while, thank goodness). This weekend, I took a long (for me) walk with my husband on Sunday morning and was in bad shape emotionally the next day. Could it have been "just" a part of a post-exertional crash? I think that would be even more depressing!
Emotionally, I am feeling overwhelmed and several things seemed to converge at once last week: our finances are super-tight (again) due mostly to our high medical expenses and college bills are growing; our extended family wants to go on an expensive vacation - a "free" trip that will end up costing us more than we can afford; my husband and I planned a solo vacation week for July because our sons no longer want to go on vacation with us - this new development has caused us both great pain; an article I wrote for a website was accepted for publication...and then they told me they no longer pay writers (also feeds into the financial pressures, of course, because I feel so guilty about not being able to contribute to our income); and, as always, ME/CFS is the ever-present storm cloud, affecting every moment of every day.
Most of the time, I am happy and content with the life I have created from this illness and I certainly recognize how fortunate I have been (though it's not just luck - it's taken a lot of hard work) to find treatments that have helped me to feel better and be more active. Sometimes, though, living in a prison of restrictions and limits gets to me. I just want to be able to enjoy a glass of wine with my husband, have a dessert when we go out to dinner, hike for as long as I want without constantly watching both the clock and my heart rate monitor. I feel like a ticking time bomb when I am out. My life is made up of a tightly monitored routine, with restrictions everywhere I turn: don't eat that, don't drink that, rest now, watch your heart rate, etc. I recognize intellectually that it is those very limits that allow me to live more freely than many people with ME/CFS - I feel better because I am so disciplined about sticking with my routine and my restrictions. But some days, I just want to throw it all out the window and be free!
Well, I feel a little better just having someone to talk to (assuming anyone is reading this!). I am just slightly better today - haven't cried yet this morning, anyway (oh shoot - never mind that last part).
I would love to hear from all of you - do you experience these sudden bouts of depression after periods of coping well? Does it seem to be linked with a physical crash for you? How do you maintain a healthy state of mind in the face of a life filled with restrictions?
I know I am usually the one feeling happy and cheerful and encouraging others to find the joy in life...but right now, I could really use some help myself.