Monday, September 15, 2008


That's the word that describes how I've been feeling lately. Dealing with Lyme disease for the past two months brings me back to my early emotional struggles when I was first sick with CFS. I'm feeling that same kind of sense of being disconnected from the rest of the world and from my normal life, of being on hold.

I am definitely improving with antibiotics (for Lyme), but the progress has been slower than I'd expected, with lots of ups and downs. You'd think I would be used to ups and downs after living with CFS for 6 years, but it seems that I got used to being more productive during the first 7 months of this year, while I was feeling better than usual. Now, I'm back to not being able to get much done, and it's so frustrating! When I do have a good day, I scramble to get everything done and end up feeling worn out again - sound familiar?

I'm especially frustrated in my writing career. I started this year with some goals to expand into new markets and do more travel writing and book reviews. I really enjoy writing about travel but have only published a few brief pieces previously, so I wanted to expand my efforts this year. In the first half of the year, I was feeling so much better that I was able to accomplish a lot and submit to several new magazines. But now, everything just feels stalled, and I haven't sent out anything new in months. When I do feel well, I'm so busy with catching up on stuff around the house that my writing has really been on hold since June.

My feelings of drifting and being inadequate really hit me hard this weekend, so I'm starting the new week with renewed commitment to my writing goals. I am having more good days and want to try to use my limited energy in a more targeted way, instead of just drifting around, trying to catch up all the time.

I'm pretty tired this evening, but I did manage to finally knock something off my writing to-do list this morning. I updated my family travel website. I also bought a few new magazines that feature travel articles so that when I need to rest, I can still be working toward my goals (aka market research!) I have lots of ideas on how to expand my work of reviewing children's books, too, but that's part of my problem - so many plans and so little energy!

I'm hoping my efforts will help conquer this feeling of being on hold, even though I know I still need plenty of rest and after the Lyme is eradicated (I hope), I will still be left with CFS. I need to keep reminding myself that I've been here before; I just need to re-adjust my expectations again. It's seems this is a lesson I need to keep re-learning.


Knittah said...

Wow, do I hear you on the stalling of writing goals. Good luck, but beware the push-crash cycle!

Renee said...

You are echoing my own journey. I started antibiotics, felt so good after a few months and then crashed and spent several months feeling worse than before I started. I am just coming out of that now with Zithromax and Doxy combined. I, too, have CFS, and I decided that somehow with my split personality :) of two illnesses I have to continue to manage both. I also am treated for allergies with NAET which has given me more of my energy back. That does not say too much as of yet, as I am still housebound and have to rest 4 times a day. Of course I have been ill for 24 yrs so that makes a difference.
Feeling adrift is a good description!
I enjoy your blog very much.
Renee from blogspot

Sue Jackson said...

Hi, Renee -

Thanks for reading my blog and taking the time to comment.

I just added Zithromax in addition to doxy last night. Feeling pretty run-down today, so I'm hoping it's a new herx reaction and evidence that the second abx is working!