Good-bye to This Week

Or perhaps I should say "good riddance!" My week started out great, after enjoying my family's visit and definitely feeling a little better. I actually began to exercise again this week - in tiny, tiny increments. On Tuesday, I did 13 push-ups, 11 flys, and 20 pull-downs - all at different times of the day with lots of rest in between. On Wednesday, my muscles were so sore I could barely move, and I was a little run-down, but OK.

The rest of the week just went downhill, though. It wasn't anything that happened but more just my state of mind. I've been feeling hopeless and overwhelmed and lacking in confidence and motivation.

In part, everything about writing feels futile right now. It's a terrible time to be a freelancer. Even in good economic times, freelance writing is a tough job. You spend so much time and effort writing pitches and send off dozens of them with high hopes, feeling like you came up with the perfect idea for that publication. Then, you wait - often many months - for a reply. If you're lucky, you get a single line on a form rejection sent back in your SASE. Lots of pubs don't even bother doing that.

I'm also frustrated by my very limited energy. With CFS, I have such limited productive time each day, and, if I don't do something concrete toward my goals - like sending out another pitch - then I feel like I've wasted my precious energy. In all honesty, the writing I'm enjoying the most right now - this blog and my book reviews - is writing that I don't get paid for, so I feel guilty for time spent on my blogs.

Several times this week, I had the urge to go outside and RUN. Hard exercise is such a great remedy for these kinds of feelings - to go out and pour all your energy into working and sweating and completely clear your mind. Of course, that's a pipe dream. I was thrilled this week when I managed to walk around my neighborhood without stopping to rest (for the first time in many months).

Ken and the boys are at soccer practice this evening. I'm home alone, and the other thing I'd love to do is to drink an ice cold beer or a nice glass of red wine. But, of course, that's out, too. Besides the fact that alcohol makes my CFS worse, it's a major no-no for Lyme (the little Lyme buggers feed on alcohol).

So, I've made a glass of decaf mint iced tea, but it's not quite the same. I think part of my problem is simply loneliness and isolation. Even though I felt better this week, I spent every day at home alone, trying (without much success) to get some writing done.

I'm glad the week is over, but I'm honestly not looking forward to the weekend, either. Maybe just pouring out my feelings here will help some. Thanks for listening.