I have written about this topic many times here on my blog - you can click on the "parenting" category at the bottom of this post to read older posts like Who Takes Care of Mom? and Taking Care of Me.
For this article, though, I also turned to some experts - other sick parents. I asked for their input on the biggest challenges of being a parent with a chronic illness and also their tips and incorporated those into the article.
I would love to hear more feedback from other sick parents. Take a look at the article below & let me know in the comments:
What are YOUR biggest challenges as a parent? And what are your tips for coping?
The full article is reprinted here:
The Challenges of Being a Sick Parent
Living with chronic illness is a huge challenge, but when
you are a parent, there are additional burdens to bear. Parents are supposed to
be the caretakers, always putting their children’s needs first. There is a lot
of pressure in today’s world to be an involved
parent – to go to every school function and sports game, to volunteer for your
child’s organizations, to give amazing birthday parties, and more. Plus, most
parents love their children unconditionally and want to give them the best of
themselves. So, what happens when mom or dad is the one who needs to be taken
care of?
Based on my own experiences and those of other sick parents,
being a parent with chronic illness brings many difficult challenges. First and
foremost are feelings of inadequacy, self-pity, and – the big one – GUILT. You
may feel bad about all the things you can’t do with your kids, the plans you
had for being an ideal parent before you got sick, your kids having to take
care of you instead of the other way around, and even that your kids don’t know
the real you, the person you were
before you got sick. These feelings of guilt and inadequacy can eat away at
you, adding to the physical pain and discomfort you already feel from your
illness and even making you sicker.
From a practical point of view, there are the challenges of
how to get everything done – around the house, taking care of the kids, and
shuttling them to activities. Many of us still have old expectations from our
lives before getting sick, of getting everything done, being a perfect parent,
and juggling house, kids, work, and more. Not being able to do it all anymore
can make us feel even more guilty and helpless. These kinds of negative
feelings – piled onto the pain and exhaustion of your illness – can leave you
feeling impatient and angry, perhaps even lashing out at your family, which can
lead to even more guilt, in an endless cycle.
So, what can you do to break this cycle and be a better
parent while sick? Parents in an online support group helped to come up with
these coping tips:
Accept the new you
and your life as it is today.
To your kids, you’re just Mom or Dad – they accept you as
you are and love you. You need to accept yourself as you are now, too. This is
your life for now. It’s not how much you can do that matters; it’s how much you
love them.
Spend time together.
Maybe you can no longer take them to a museum or water park.
Focus on spending time together in a way that you can manage – enjoying a movie or TV show together, reading a book
in bed, playing a quiet game – and treasure your time with them. Show them that
you enjoy their company. It’s trite but so very true: their childhoods really
do go by in a flash, so cherish each day.
Drop the guilt.
No more guilt or self-pity: you are enough, just the way you
are. Instead of wallowing in feeling bad about what you can’t do, focus on your kids. What brings them joy & makes them
happy? Instead of guilt when you can’t do something, cultivate a Buddhist
principle called mudita, finding joy in the joy of others. Share in your
family’s joy even when you can’t participate. Have them send you photos, text
them while they are out, and experience their joy vicariously. When your child
comes home from an outing all excited, give him or her your full attention and
share in their enthusiasm, even if you can’t share in their activities.
Take care of yourself.
As parents, our natural inclination is to sacrifice our
needs and put our kids first. But the more exhausted and sick you are, the
harder it is to be the kind of parent you want to be. So, take care of
yourself– physically & emotionally – so that you can be there for your kids
when they need you.
Lower your
expectations.
Part of accepting yourself as you are now is dropping those
old expectations of the ideal parent. It’s OK to get cupcakes from the store
for your child’s birthday, not to volunteer at school, and to let the house get
messy. It’s even OK to limit your kids to just one activity at a time, as we
did – they may be better for it, with downtime to be creative and relax. Focus
on spending your limited time and energy with your kids. For events outside the
house, concentrate on those that are most important to your child and plan to
rest before and after. Let go of the rest.
Get help.
With your partner, family members, and friends, decide how
to maintain the house and yard. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – your loved
ones want to help you but probably
don’t know what you need. Don’t forget to get the kids involved in helping with
the chores! Enlist parents of your kids’ friends to help with carpooling. When
an event comes up that you can’t attend, invite grandparents or other family
members or family friends. Hire help if you can afford it – consider this no
longer a luxury but a necessity in your budget.
Looking back at my sons’ childhoods and the young adults
they are today, I can tell you first-hand that there are some silver linings to
being a parent with a chronic illness. Your kids will grow up with more empathy
and compassion than most and will grow into caring adults. Having to help
around the house makes them more responsible and independent. If you previously
worked outside the home, you will be present more and have more time with your
child than most parents do. This can result in closer relationships than most
parents and children have, especially as they grow up. In a slower-paced life,
your kids will grow up with a greater sense of peace and the ability to find
joy in small moments every day. It’s not easy, but you can be a good parent in spite of your illness. Your children may
actually be better for it in the long run.
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