Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Blue Weekend

I'm feeling blue this weekend. It sort of snuck up on me. Friday, I was worn out but looking forward to a weekend with my family. Saturday turned out to be another busy day. I waited too long to refill my Lyme meds and had to go to the drugstore and run some other errands. Ken went to the grocery store to pick up what I had ordered online Friday (yes, I finally did it, but our store no longer delivers; you have to pick it up now). I made soup for dinner and tried a new, easy recipe for homemade bread.

I'm not sure why, but by evening, I was starting to feel down. I think a big factor is that Jamie was still severely crashed yesterday. I can handle my own crashes much better than I can handle it when one of my kids crashes. It's so painful for Ken and I to see one of our boys badly crashed and incapacitated day after day after day and be unable to help him. This one has lasted 8 days so far for Jamie. He thought he felt a little better when he woke up Saturday morning, but by 9 am, he realized he was still exhausted and achy and unable to do anything. He spent another day lying on the couch, reading and watching movies.

We watched a movie with the boys, then Ken and I watched another after they went to bed. By the time he and I went up to bed at 11 pm, I could feel the blackness creeping in. Ken tried to comfort me, and suddenly, I was sobbing into my pillow. I finally took an Ambien, he went back downstairs to read for a while, and I felt even worse for ruining our Saturday evening together.

I'm still feeling down this morning. Jamie's a tiny bit better and is attempting a little school work (he's so far behind now!). The sun is shining, and it's a beautiful day. I know I should feel better, but I just don't. I still feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. What's wrong with me?

I desperately want to go outside and take a walk, but I'm tired and achy, so I know it's a bad idea. I did walk around our cul-de-sac when I went out for the newspaper this morning - the sunshine is so nice (even though we still have two feet of snow everywhere).

I know this is "just" CFIDS, that the depression is part and parcel of doing too much all week, and I'm probably a bit crashed myself. I know all that logically, but I still feel emotionally helpless and fragile. I guess there's nothing to do but wait for it to pass.


Renee said...

Oh Sue
Sorry to hear you are feeling so blue today. It has to be hard to watch your children be sick...I know it is when I see Joel is a crash and he is an adult.
What is wrong with you? CFS and Lyme is wrong with you! This morning as Joel was reading our devotions before heading to church he started to cry...he was vulnerable and weepy(he is okay with me sharing this) and he said I wonder what is happening? He was grieving we think AND he is herxing. Dr. V once told us crying is just part of the healing of Lyme....besides a side effect of the CFS/Me and Lyme exhaustion. Of course knowing this does notmake us better but it does give us a better perspective at times.
So today, I am sending gentle hugs your way wrapped in prayer for the day to improve and for both you and your son J. to feel better....

Shelli said...

I've always felt guilty for feeling down when there are so many blessings around me. It's good that you recognize it's just part of a CFS downturn. So, the only thing to do is to grab a box of chocolates, some cookie dough, and a pint of ice cream, and settle in to watch some hilarious movies. Hugs from the other side of the US, and prayers for Jamie.

Toni said...

I'm so sorry that you're feeling down, Sue. It sounds to me like everything has caved it at once: Jamie not bouncing back quickly, you having to care for him and yourself, your feeling bad that Ken feels bad, the sun inviting you outside but you feeling too sick to enjoy it. Well, the list could go on and on.

You are so right that all we can do when this happens is wait for it to pass. The good news is that you know it will pass. It has before and you know that you suffer from CFS but not clinical depression. (Some people have both -- quite understandably so -- but you do not.)

Oh how I wish that even as I write, you're feeling a bit better.

Special hugs to you today.

upnorth said...

CFS crashes are hard to take sometimes....and I can't imagine having to watch a child go through that too!!! REst up and hopefully you pull out of it quickly.

Pris said...

Hi Sue
I's hard when the emotional crashes come. We pride ourselves on being so strong emotionally since our bodies are no longer strong for us...then we crash and blame ourselves for it. I know. I do the same thing. We have to stop the blaming. It's okay. I'm saying that to both of us.

Pamela said...

I feel you, Sue. I'm having a rough weekend, too. Adam is sick (at least it's not CFS), but I think as a parent, like you said their sickness wears on us more than our own. AND, the CFS/depression link just makes it worse. I'm praying for a quick turn-around for all of you & sending positive thoughts your way.

Lori said...

Oh, Sue. I had no idea Jamie was still crashed. I hope and PRAY that he pulls out of it soon. You too. Shelli is spot on. You know what's going on and that's the important thing. Settle in and this too shall pass.

Dominique said...

I thought I would share this with you. It is from "Finding Strength in Weakness."

"One hour I feel fine, the next hour my emotions are a mess. [....] Sometimes is just happens for no apparent cause. I have to be careful not to blame myself for the depression. [....] The depression is unpredictable. It can come and go without warning. I have come to a point now that when the depression hits, I refrain from trying to understand it and just go through it. I will come out of it just as mysteriously as I went into it." [page 105]

When I read that last week, it reminded me that while I have learned to compensate for much that goes on in my body, some of it I can't do anything about so, I just have to go with it until it passes.

I am praying and hoping you and your family see and feel improvement soon.


Dusty Bogwrangler said...

It's been a long old haul for you this Winter and maybe you are getting into 'last straw' territory. As you know I can empathise. The trouble with depression is it creeps up on you. If you think this is more than a blip talk it over with your doc. I find Goldberg's depression test which you can Google, quite a useful tool for keeping an eye on it.

Much sympathy and hugs from across the sea. I hope it passes quickly for you.