Thursday, February 25, 2010

Just Coasting...

My kids are finally both back in school, but I'm still not getting much of anything done and am feeling rather useless.

I'm not horribly crashed, like I need to crawl back into bed and seriously rest, but I've had moderate CFS symptoms all week and am completely lacking in the kind of drive and motivation I need to actually get any work done. I can manage to lie on the couch with my laptop and do various mindless things, like blurt out my stream-of-consciousness thoughts on this blog, pay bills, and check my bank balance, but I've been completely unable to do what I really need to do - write new pitches and send them out to magazines or put together a large stack of insurance claims and mail them. It's like I'm kind of on autopilot, coasting, with absolutely no creative energy at all. It's frustrating, after finally having a quiet house to myself after so many weeks.

I guess it's just like this sometimes, right? I feel like I should be doing more, but I just can't get my brain out of first gear (or I guess it's in neutral if I'm coasting...).

I know I should stop putting pressure on myself and just go with the flow, but this to-do list keeps taunting me. I've tried to do some of the minor tasks, just to feel a small sense of accomplishment. It helps a little, but I still feel guilty, like I should be capable of doing more.

Just writing this makes me realize I'm probably sicker than I've been admitting this week and need to take it easy and stop feeling bad about it. sigh... In my pre-CFS life, I was always busy, always productive and well-motivated. Even after 8 years, it's still hard some days to accept that I can't do more. The past 6 months have been so rough. I hope spring brings on brighter days and more energy.


San said...

Hang in there! I'm sure that the sun will give you more energy soon. Take care.

Renee said...

I am looking forward to Spring and more energy too. I think we need to claim Spring as a time we will ALL have more spring in our steps!
I am sorry you are needing to rest so much and hope this does not last long. You are doing all you need to do right now~

Pamela said...

It's so true. I'm in first gear most of the time. My husband and I had a fight this morning and it's b/c I can't get in second gear enough to take the initiative on any of our projects & he's definitely the follower ... makes it hard to get anything done which is even more frustrating for me! So then I blow up ... all bad, bad, bad. So to read your post & see exactly what I was feeling but didn't know & couldn't articulate. wow.

Anyway, enough about me. I hope you are feeling better soon & pray with you for spring days with more energy & sunshine!

Toni said...

Hi Sue. You haven't really had time to recover from the holidays and visitors afterwards and then Jamie getting sick. It sounds to me like your body just wants to take a big sigh of relief and do nothing for a few days. If you need to feel some sense of accomplishment, I think your idea of doing the littlest things on your list is a great one.

dominique said...

I am in the very same 'gear'. I had a close friend who I trust very much ask me today if I had become 'complacent.' I guess that is what it looks like to those outside of CFIDS. I assured here I had not. It is a place that is not a fun place to be however.

I call it my 'flat zone'.

I hope you get enough rest so your can come back and get things done.

I think spring/summer will be a much needed welcome to all of us!

Thank you for your wonderful 'ramble' on my blog. It brightened my day immensely! I really needed a friendly face!

Hoping you have a great weekend. Please keep safe, warm, and rested!

My mom told me they are experiencing 70 mph winds and really horrible rain in Maine!

dominique said...

Just a heads up, Sue. I know you shop at Trader Joe's

Dusty Bogwrangler said...

Try not to give yourself a hard time (says she, the queen of self flagellation). I get really bored when I'm too sick to distract myself. Unfortunately this illness has acres of boredom built in. Your time will come, it's just not now. The project is to get well. That's what I tell myself anyway. You blurt very well by the way.

Kerry said...

Hi Sue, The CFS much we want to do, think we should be doing, and don't realize we arn't doing them because we are too sick, so we are hard on ourselves.

My husband reminds me that if I was well enough to do something, I would be doing it...that's my personality. The fact that I'm not doing it tells me I'm too sick to do it.

Does that make sense? I'm brain sogged, body flattened and in a similar state to yours...reclining on the couch...visiting blogs and hoping my comments are comprehensible.

From reading your blog and your comments for a long time now Sue, if you're not getting to that stack of insurance forms or the really is because you are to sick to...

Go easy on yourself!

Sue Jackson said...

Thanks to everyone! I knew you'd understand!! And I know I need to be easier on myself - I'm a work in progress...

Another snow day here in Delaware! And our internet has been going in and out (hope I can post this before it goes out again).

We were supposed to drive to Ct today for my niece and nephew's birthdays, but the roads are too bad - maybe tomorrow morning?? We'll see...nap time now!


Lee Lee said...

G'day Sue, stories like yours are inspiring to people like me ... in fact you have inspired me to start my own blog. Please have a look and pass it on if you think anyone would be interested.